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A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot.
So Many Fathers
A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy." When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children." "Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman. "That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker. "Oh, den I uses the last names."
A truck driver is driving through a little town in Georgia wit a truck load of bowling balls. In this town there is 2 state troupers who hate truck drivers with a passion. The truck driver sees the two and turns off at the next exit. He sees a little black boy on a bike hitch hicking he picks up the little boy but tells him, "you cant ride up here but you can ride in the back. So he put's the little black boy and his bike in the back and get's back on the interstate. the two state cops see him again and pull him over they start giving him hell just looking for something to write him up for. They can't find anything so they are about to let him go then one says to the other, "We forgot to check the back." So one goes to the back opens the doors, slams them back comes up to the truck driver. The cop is whiter than a ghost and scared as hell, and says "Get the hell out of my town, get the hell out of my county, get the hell out of my state and don't ever come back." So the truck driver leaves. when they get back into the car one looks at the other and says "what the hell did you see back there?" the other says, "That guy was carring a truck load of black babys and one had already hatched and stolen a bike".
This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"
Proud Jamaican Father
A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
Black One-liners 2 (Submitted by users)
Q: Two black guys decide to jump off a building; who lands first?
A: Who cares?
Q: A black guy and his black girlfriend are in a car. Who's driving?
A: The cop!
Q: Why are black peoples nostrils so big?
A: Because that's what God held them by when he was painting them.
Q: What do you get if you search for babboon in dictionary?
A: You get a picture of Robert Mugabe.
Q: What is black, purple,and yellow?
A: A black person goin to church.
Q: How do they make roads in South Africa?
A: They make the black people lay down and have every other one smile.
Q: What do you call a black guy who goes to college?
A: A Basketball player.
Q: How can you tell a black person is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: Why are there more black folk then Indians?
A: Because we haven't played Cowboys and Black folk yet!
Q: How do you break up the "Million Man March"?
A: Fly overhead with helicopters and drop job applications.
Q: Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
A: He said: "If I'ze gonna be im-po-tent, I wanna looks im-po-tant."
Q: What do they do with blacks after they die?
A: Gut them and use them as wetsuits.
Q: What does it mean when you see a bunch of blacks running in one direction?
A: Jail break
Q: What do you call 4 black guys in a car?
A: Tinted windows.
Q: Why are black ladies pocket books so big?
A: They have to put their lipstick some where.
Q: What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa?
A: A good start.
Q: Why are all black people fast?
A: Because the slow ones are in jail.
Q: What's long and hard on a blackman?
A: The first grade.
Q: What do you call a bunch of blacks falling down a hill?
A: A mudslide .
Q: What did the black kid get for christmas?
A: Your T.V
Q: What do you call vietnamese guy that wants to be black?
Q: What does NAACP stand for?
A: National Association of Apes Called People
Q: What do you call a black guy with a fan?
A: Antique air conditioner
Q: What travels at 200km's a hour?
A: A black man hearing a dollar drop to the ground.
Q: What does a black person have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.
Q: What u call 10 black people in the back of a truck?
A: A good days hunting.
Q: What do you call one black on the moon?
Q: What do you call ten blacks on the moon?
Q: What do you call the entire black population on the moon?
A: Problem solved
Q: Why dont black women wear panties to picknics?
A: To keep the flies off the chicken.
Q: What's faster then a black guy running down the street with your TV?
A: His brother behind him with the VCR
Q: Why wasnt there any blacks in the flintstones?
A: Because they were still monkeys.
Q: Why don't black kids play in sand boxs?
A: Because they are affraid the cats will try to cover them up.
Q: What do you call a bunch of black kids playing in a pile of leaves?
A: Rasin Brand.
Q: What do you call a group of black people.
A: An auction
Q: Why dont blacks celibrate thanksgiving?
A: KFC isnt open on holidays.
Q: What would martin luther king be if he was white?
Q: What are three things you can't give a black person?
A: A black eye, a fat lip and a job.
Q: Why do black people lean to the center of their car?
A: They think the smell is coming from the outside.
Q: Why did God give Black guy's big dicks?
A: He felt sorry for putting pubes on their heads.
Q: Why are black women like bicycles?
A: They give out free rides
Q: Ever hear about the black man who went to college?
A: Neither Have I.
Q: Why do black men have bigger penises than white men?
A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with.
Q: Why are there only two paulbears at a black guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
Q: What does FUBU really stand for?
A: Farmers used to buy us.
Q: What do you do when you see a black man with half a face?
A: Stop laughing and reload.
Q: What's the difference between bigfoot and a hard working black man?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted
Q: How many blacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2 one to screw it in the other to drive the pink caddilac
Q: What do you call a black man on a stick?
A: A tootsie roll pop
Q: Why are blacks so fast?
A: From running from the cops.
Q: Whats the difference between a black and tires?
A: When you put chains on tires they dont sing
Q: Did you hear about the black who died yesterday on Rt. 80?
A: He stuck his head out of the window at 100 mph and his lips beat him to death!
Q: Why are jelly beans alot like the world?
A: Because everyone hates the black ones.
Q: How do you hide something from a Black Man?
A: Put it in a book.
Q: What's the difference between a black guy and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the street and a dead black guy in the street?
A: There's swerve marks in front of the dog
Q: Why are black peoples hands white?
A: Because there always leening up aganst cop cars.
Q: What is the diffrence between a black guy and a pizza
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: Whats the difference between a black guy and a pothole?
A: You swerve around the pothole.
Q: What happened to the 5 black guys that drove off a cliff in a cady?
A: Who gives a shit!!
Q: What do you call 400 black people swiming in a river?
A: An oil spill
Q: Why was the black baby crying?
A: He had diarea and thought he was melting
Q: What is black white and rolls around in the sand?
A: A black man and a segal fighting over a carp
Q: What do you call 9 black guys hanging in a tree???
A: An alabama windchime
Q: How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The lights out, how can u count them?
Q: Why can't black's,live in the country side.
A: There's no street corners.
Q: Why can't black people spell.
A: Because there black.
Q: How do you starve a negro to death?
A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
Q: How do you kill 50 flys?
A: Hit a somailen in the face with a shovel
Q: What do you get if you cross an afro with a black?
A: A microphone.
Q: Why Do Blacks Hate Country?
A: Every time they here Ho-Down They think someone shot their sister
Q: Why don't black people like asprin?
A: They have to pick through cotton to get to them
Q: Why cant stevie wonder read?
A: Cuz hes black
Q: What does FUBU stand for?
A: Farmers Used to Beat Us
Q: What do you call a black man at the bottom of the ocean?
Q: What do you call all the black people at the bottom of the ocean?
Q: Why is there cotton in medicine bottles?
A: To remind the black people they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
Q: Whats yellow, black in the middle and funny?
A: A school bus full of blacks driving off a cliff
Q: What's purple and chained to my front porch?
A: It's my damn neigro and I'll paint him any color I want to.
Q: What is it called when a black women is in labour?
Q: Why Are black peoples hands and feet white?
A: When God painted them he told them to assume the position.
Q: A black guy and a spanish guy are in a car whos driving?
A: The cop
Q: How do you keep black youth off the streets?
A: Put a KFC on the sidewalk
Q: What do Black lesbians have for breakfast?
A: Cocoa Muffs
Q: Whats the diffrence between a park bench and a black guy?
A: The park bench can support a family
Q: What does pontiac stand for?
A: Poor old nigger thinks its a cadillac.
You're So Black
You're so black you blead coffee.
You're so black you could leave a hand print in charcoal.
You're so black you went to night school and the teacher counted you absent.
I bloke walked into a bar with a crocodile on a lead. He walked up to the bar man and said:
"I'll have a beer please... and a black manfor the croc"
"Very well" said the Barman. He pulled the man his pint and went and got a dead black man from out the back. He threw it across the bar and the crocodile ate it.
The bloke went back up to the bar and the barman said:
"Aye" said the man with the crocodile... and I'll have another nigger for the croc. Sure enough the bloke had his pint and the croc had his black man.
The bloke went back up to the bar. The barman said
"Same again Sir?"
"Aye" said the bloke..."and I'll have another black man for the crock."
"I'm sorry Sir, but we don't have any dead black man left," said the barman,"how about a pygmy?"
"No" said the bloke, "he doesn't drink shorts."
They are BURNING!
Pepito was hit by a car, died, and went to heaven. And everyone who goes to heaven has to work. God went up to Pepito, and said: Pepito, you are going to make babies. Here is this wheel, and every time you turn it, a baby will come out. For hours, Pepito spun the wheel at full speed,then he started to get tired. As he was slowing down, a black baby came out...and Pepito replied: Damn! I better hurry because they are burning!
Gotta Stop for a Black Man
There are 3 guys. A jew, mexican, and a black man. These 3 guys were in the middle of nowhere and were stranded with no way of transportation to get to town. Well, they thought of this idea to have one of them lay down in the middle of the road and figured a car would stop and they would have a ride. So, the jew went and laid in the road. A car came and thump thump, ran him right over. Ah man, it didn't work, but its gotta. You try it. The mexican went out on the road and a car came and thump thump, ran him right over. Dangn't, this is such a good idea, they gotta stop for a black man. So the black man went out on the road and car came. Thump thump, errrrrt, reerrrrrr thump thump, thump thump, thump thump.
New White Kid
There is this black kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the black kids. So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. Hey dad look im white! His dad kicks his ass, and says alright go show your mother. Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the shit out of him then says go show your gradma. Hey gradma look im white she beats his ass and sends him to his room. About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this? The kid says yeah ive learned i have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 niggers.
Black And His Son
A black man and his son are on a plane heading home back to Africa. During the plane flight theres a problem, the plane is overweight. On the overhead an annoucement comes on. "We are having overweight problems so we are going to have to throw some people off of the back of the plane, we'll start in alphabetical order. Will all african americans please stand up and move to the back of the plane". The Son stands up and the father says "sit down." "Will all black people please stand up and goto the back of the plane." The Son stands up father says "sit down." "Will all cloured people please stand up and move to the back of the plane." The Son stands up the father says "sit down." The son then says "But dad, if were not african americans, blacks, or coloured, what are we?" "Today were Niggers son."
A black family of four hears about a magical river that can turn them white if they swim across so they go and the dad and mom swim across, and they come out white, the dauhter jumps in and swims across and she turn white, so the son trys to swim but the current takes him and the little girl goes up to dad and goes, daddy daddy Kobe just got taken by the current and the dad says, "Ah, fuck that nigger".
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom and laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear." The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party." By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. One is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie, and if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!
Black One-liners (Submitted by users)
Q: What happens when you stick you hand in a jar of jellybeans?
A: The black ones steal your watch.
Q: How do you start a black parade?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.
Q: Why do blacks burry their dead upside down?
A: Use em as bike racks.
Q: How did they improve the transportation in harlem?
A: Move the trees closer together.
Q: What did the black girl say while having sex?
A: Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.
Q: Why are black people like jelly beans?
A: No one likes the black ones.
Q: What do you call a school bus full of black people?
A: A rotten banana
Q: What was the only thing missing from the million man march?
A. An auctionner
Q: How long does it take a black lady to shit?
A: 9 months.
Q: What do you call 100 black guys baried from the neck down?
Q: Why are blacks afried of lawnmovers?
A: Beacuse it gose run nigger nigger run.
Q: What do you call a barn full of blacks?
A: Antique farm equipment.
Q: What do u call a black priest?
A: Holy shit
Q: What does the BFI on the dumpsters stand for?
A: Black Family Inside
Q: Have you ever seen a black person on the jetsons?
A: NO. Looks like a good future doesn't it?
Q: What do you call a black person in a three piece suit?
A: Will the defendent please rise.
Q: What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your tv starts to float?
A: You turn on the lights and shoot the black people.
Q: What do you call 20,000 black people at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead black person in the road?
A: There's skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why are black people so good at Basketball?
A: Cause all you have to do is RUN ... SHOOT ... and STEAL
Q: What do you do if you see a black man flopping around on the ground?
A: Stop laughing and reload
Q: What Do You call Mike Tyson if he has no arms or legs?
A: Nigger, Nigger, Nigger!!!!
Q: What do you call a group of blacks in the ocean?
A: An oil spill
Q: What do you call a pool full of black kids?
A: Cocoa puffs
Q: What do you call a 80 year old black guy?
A: Antique farm equipment.
Q: Why do police dogs lick their balls?
A: To get the taste of negro out of thier mouths
A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says, "My daddy's goy a car. When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'". Little white boy says, "shit, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".
A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.
The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.
He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.
The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.
The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?
The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.
It is hard being black.
It is hard being black. We get the bad end of the deal with every sport. Hockey your slappin a black puck around. Pool you have a white ball trying to knock you in a hole. The only thing we have is bowling, where you have a black ball trying to knock down a bunch of rednecks.
No Mexicans Please
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"
"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."
A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!
"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home,
I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'
Black One Liners
Q: Why are aspirins white?
A: Because they work.
Q: How did the black girl know her mother was on the rag?
A: Her brothers dick tasted funny.
Q: What has six legs and goes: "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do"?
A: Three blacks running for the elevator.
Q: What's the definition of the word "Confusion"?
A: Father's day in Harlem.
Q: Do you know why so many blacks were killed in Vietnam?
A: Because every time the seargeant said: "Get down!" they stood up and started dancing.
Q: What did God say when he saw the first black person?
A: Ooops, I burnt one!
Q: Why is Stevey Wonder Smiling all the time?
A: He doesn't know he's black.
Q: Blacks took over Toys R us.
A: The renamed it to We B toys.
Q: A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant.
A: It's called Nacho Mama.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Eskimo with a black person?
A: A Snowblower that Doesn't work!
Q: What do you call an Negro with a peg leg?
A: Shit on a stick.
Q: What does an apple and a Negro have in common?
A: They both look soooo pretty hanging from a tree.
Q: How do you starve a black man?
A: Put his food stamps in his work boots.
Q: Why don't blacks like Tylenol?
A: They have to pick cotton to get to them.
Q: What did the black women get for getting an abortion?
A: Fat cash from crime stoppers.
Q: What does a black person get for Christmas?
A: Your bike!!!
Q: How do you keep black people out of your back yard?
A: Hang one in the front!!
Q: What is the difference between a black and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do you never hit a black on a bike?
A: Because it is probably your bike.
Q: Why are black people so tall?
A: Because their knee grows.
Q: Why do black people wear hats covering their face?
A: So the birds don't shit on their lips.
Q: What is white with a black asshole?
A: The A-Team
Q: How many black people does it take to single a roof?
A: Depends on how thin you slice um.
Q: How many black people does it take to pave a road?
A: Depends on how heavy the roller is.
Q: When is the only time u concentrate on a black man.
A: Behind the eyepiece of your rifle.
Q: What's the difference between batman and a blackman?
A: Batman can go to the store with out robin.
Q: What's the difference between shit and a black?
A: Eventually Shit turns white and stops stinking.
Q: Is it better to be born black or gay?
A: Black - because you don't have to tell your folks.
Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: An interracial couple in a car wreck.
Q: How many blacks does it take to clean a toilet?
A: None, it's a woman's job.
Q: What's the definition of black foreplay?
A: Don't scream or I'll kill you.
Q: How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?
A: Ever try and take a rib from a black.
Q: Who won the race down the tunnel, the black or the Pole?
A: The Pole because the black had to stop to write "motherfucker" on the wall.
Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a groundhog?
A: 6 more weeks of basketball season.
Q: Why do blacks always have sex on their minds?
A: Because of the pubic hair on their heads.
Q: Did you hear about the new black French restaurant?
A: It's called Chez What.
Q: What did Lincoln say after his five day drunk?
A: I freed whom.
Q: What's long, black and smelly?
A: The unemployment line.
Q: Why don't blacks like blowjobs?
A: They don't like any jobs.
Q: What do you get when you cross a black prostitute with a Chinese woman?
A: A broad that sucks shirts.
Q: Why do blacks raise chickens?
A: To teach their kids how to walk.
Q: How do you make a black nervous?
A: Take him to an auction.
Q: What do you call a black prostitute with braces?
A: A black and Decker pecker wrecker.
Q: What do you call a black test tube baby?
A: Janitor in a drum.
Q: Why do blacks smell so bad?
A: So the blind can hate them too.
Q: How did they invent break dancing?
A: Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.
Q: Why did God invent golf?
A: So white people could dress up like blacks.
Q: What do you call a black man in Thailand?
A: A tycoon.
Q: Why do blacks keep their fly's open?
A: In case they have to count to eleven.
Q: What do you call a black man in a tree?
A: A branch manager.
Q: What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
A: Father's day.
Q: Who are the two most famous black women in history?
A: Aunt Jemima and Mutha Fucker.
Q: How do you stop a black baby from crying?
A: Wet his lips and stick him to the wall.
Q: Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
A: They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.
Q: What do you call 4 blacks in a 57 chevy?
A: Blood vessel.
Q: Why do blacks wear white gloves?
A: So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.
Q: What is black and has four legs and goes Hol De Doe, Hol De Doe?
A: Two blacks running for the elevator.
Q: Why did God invent the climax?
A: So blacks would know when to stop fucking.
Q: Why did so many blacks get killed in the war?
A: When the Colonel yelled get down, they all got up and danced.
Q: What's the definition of worthless?
A: A 7'2" black man with a small prick, that can't play basketball.
Q: What do you call a black with a new bike?
A: A thief.
Q: What do you call a black with a new caddie?
A: A better thief.
Q: Why don't black kids jump on their beds?
A: Because they'll stick to the velcro on the ceiling.
Q: How do you get them down once they're stuck?
A: Tell Mexican kids they're pinatas.
Q: Did you hear about Klu Klux Kneivel?
A: He tried to jump over 8 blacks with a steam roller.
Q: How can you tell when a black as been on your computer?
A: It is not there.
Q: What do you call a black with no arms?
Q: Why do black women where high heels?
A: So their knuckles don't drag.
Q: What do you call a black guys condom?
A: A duffle bag.
Q: Why are black guys eyes red after sex? A: From the pepper spray.
Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10,000 black guys?
Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
A: The quarterback.
Q: Whats wrong with 5 blacks driving a Cadillac off of a cliff?
A: The car holds 6.
Q: How do you get a black man out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What do you call a black person on birth-control?
A: Crime prevention.
The black dude walked into the house to see his wife dancing seductively in front of him. "Hey babe," he said. "Where'd you get that grass skirt?" "That aint no grass skirt," she replied. "I had my hair straightened."
An old Souther planter goes into the hospital and is informed by the doctor that his condition is pretty serious. In fact, he's going to require a heart transplant.
"Well, doctor," drawls the planter, "you'd best get on with it. But whatever you do, just don't give me the heart of a black man."
When he comes out of the anaesthetic, the doctor is leaning over his bedside anxiously. "Cal," he says, "I got to use a black man's heart." Cal pales. "But the good news is: your dick is three inches longer.
A black guy knew he had it made when the old brass bottle he found in the back yard turned out to have a genie in it. Any three wishes he had would be granted, the genie informed him.
"I wanna be rich," said the black man. The back yard filled up with chests of gold coins and jewels in the blink of an eye.
"I'm no fool," said the black man. "I wanna be white." And there he stood, white, blonde-haired and blue-eyed.
"Thirdly, I never want to work another day in my life." And he was black again.
If the statement is true add the points in parenthesis to your score.
Scoring is given at the bottom of the test.
1. You've ever used an album cover or old envelope for a dustpan. (5 points)
2. You've ever put foil on your TV antennas to get better reception. (8 points)
3. You've ever had to use pliers to turn your TV on. (7points)
4. You had to come in the house when the street lights came on. (6 points)
5. You had a candy lady in your neighborhood. (5 + 5 extra points if your house was the candy lady)
6. If you can count more than five police cars in your neighborhood on a daily basis. (3 points)
7. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt. (3 points for each)
8. If you've ever been beaten with an extension cord. (15 points)
9. If you have ever had to walk to or home from school. (2 points)
10. If you've ever passed someone a note asking "Do you like me?" or "Can I have a chance?" check _yes, _no or _maybe. (7 points)
11. If you have ever used dish washing liquid for bubble bath. (9points)
12. If you have ever mixed up some Kool-Aid and the found that you didn't have any sugar. (4 points & add 4 if you put the pitcher in the refrigerator until you got some sugar)
13. If you have ever played any of the following games. (2 points each): (hide and go seek, freeze tag, captain or momma may I?, or red light..yellow light..green light 123!)
14. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man. (2 points + 2 if he rang a bell + 5 if he played R&B)
15. If you remember any of the following candies. (1 point each): cherry clans, lemon heads, Alexander the grape, ring pops, Chico sticks, baked beans, candy cigarettes, powder packs with the white dip stick, big league chew, "Wine" Candy (jolly ranchers), jaw breakers, and candy necklaces.
16. If you refer to Now and Laters candies as "Nighladers". (6 points)
17. If you've ever ran from the police on foot. (5 points + 5 if you got away)
18. If you remember underoos or the Wonder Woman bra and panty set. (6 points + 4 if you owned some)
19. If you've ever had reusable grease in a container on your stove. (5 points)
20. The batteries in your remote control are held in by a piece of tape. (5 points)
21. If you've ever used any of the following for drinking glasses. (3 points each): jelly jars, mayonnaise jars, mason jars, or peanut butter jars.
22. You've ever covered your furniture in plastic. (2 points)
23. The heels of your feet have ever looked like you had been kicking flour. (1point)
24. If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances. (1 point each): Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Stetson, Charlie, or Faberge'.
25. You've ever used Tussy. (9 points)
26. You've never been to the dentist. (10 points + 10 if you've never been to the doctor.)
27. You've ever wore clothes with the tag still on them. (4 points)
28. If you're acquainted with someone with a name as follows. (3 points): Kay-Kay, Lee-Lee, Ree-Ree, Ray-Ray, etc.
29. You have ever paged yourself for any reason. (3 points)
30. You've ever worn house shoes outside of the house. (2 points)
31. You add "ED" or "T" to the end of words already in the past tense (for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt, ruint, etc). (3 points)
32. You pronounce words like this (1 point for each example you can think of skrimps or strimps, skreet, axe (ask), member (remember), frigerator, etc.
33. You use nem' to describe a certain group of people (for example Craig and nem' or momma and nem'). (6 points)
34. You've ever had a crack across your windshield and never bothered to get it fixed. (3 points)
35. You've ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your flat. (4 points)
36. You've ever asked a perfect stranger to take a picture with you and told your friends it was someone you dated. (3 points)
37. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking it. (7 points)
38. If you've ever ran a race barefoot in the middle of the street at approximately 11 at night. (10 points)
39. You've ever left a social gathering with a plate. (1 point)
40. You leave a restaurant with silverware, sugar, and/or jelly. (8 points)
41. You think "red" is a flavor of Kool-Aid. (4 points)
42. You can't hold a glass because of the length of your nails. (3 points)
43. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words. (8 points)
44. You don't have your own place but your child has a leather coat and a pair of Jordan's. (5 points)
45. If you've ever had to get to the driver's side of the car through the passenger side door. (8 points)
46. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair. (7 points)
47. You constantly hit *69 and ask, "Did you just call here?" (10 points)
48. You won't answer the phone if you don't recognize the number on the caller id box. (7 points)
49. You know a child who can't speak, but can do the "bank-head bounce." (15 points)
50. You think Tupac is still alive. (20 points)
0 - 30 - You have enjoyed a nice sheltered life in the suburbs.
31 - 60 - Hood movies have given you a little exposure.
61 - 100 - You may have visited the hood a few times or on weekends.
101 - 130 - You probably spent a few years in the hood, and moved to the suburbs.
131 - 160 - You're the genuine article. You are no stranger to hood life.
161 - 200 - You are definitely, without a doubt an expert on life in the hood.
201+ - Congratulations! You are Ghetto Fabulous!
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